


The (Real) Chronicles of Riddick

by msgordo (kipplemine)



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Complete, Crack, F/M, Humor, accidental abduction of a major character, accidental wrong turn by portal travel, conquering of an alien race, deliberate abduction of a major character, humiliation of an evil alien overlord, theft of a spaceship, theft of an alien race
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 09:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kipplemine/pseuds/msgordo





	The (Real) Chronicles of Riddick

“Shit. I hate not being the bad guys.” Kyra’s deeply disgusted comment had Riddick smiling even as he evaluated the best possible way for them to get past the Necros, take the mercs’ ship and off this stinking planet before they all got ghosted into tiny particles of dust by the fast approaching sunrise. He stole a quick look at the woman he had come to Crematoria to find and just for a moment caught a glimpse of the young girl he had first met over five years ago. His Jack. An uncomfortable feeling stirred in his chest and – after a few seconds of concentrated thought – he managed to work out that what he was feeling was guilt. Not an emotion normally associated with Richard B Riddick and one that he was entirely unhappy with. He looked at Jack -- _Kyra_ \-- again and allowed himself to think of what could have been if he had let himself take the kid with him when he had bailed on Imam and flown away from New Mecca without a second glance.

The kid wouldn’t have ended up here that was for damn certain. No way would he have allowed the skinny, bald little girl that Jack had been turn into the hardened killer that was Kyra. Maybe they would have lived always one step ahead of the mercs, jumping from planet to planet in a bid to stay free, but they would have been together and he could have kept them alive and his girl would have grown up into something more than what she was now. Neither of them had any experience with gentleness and responsibility, but maybe together they could have learned. His mouth twisted bitterly; there was certainly no one else in the galaxy he would have made himself try for. 

He looked away as Kyra turned her head and stared into his eyes for a moment; well, it was too late now. Too late for them and – from the look of things on the top of the rocky outcropping where their ship lay – too damn late for the rest of the galaxy. Chances were none of them were getting off this damn planet and even if they were then eventually the Necros would take everything that made life worth living from the known worlds anyway and he wouldn’t have anything to offer Kyra except a quick death at the end of one of his own shivs instead of being taken and made into one of those things herself. He stared at the ship and the damn Necros some more. Maybe this way was best. This way they could die on their feet and he and Kyra could finish the journey they’d started back on the Hunter-Gratzner all those years ago and they could hit the dirt side-by-side as the life left their bodies.

His teeth drew back in a feral grin. Or -- and he liked this plan a whole lot fuckin’ better – he could stop thinking like a pussy, get his ass off the fuckin’ ground and remember that he was Richard B Riddick and go ghost him some piss-ant bad-ass wannabes and fly his girl the fuck off this rock and into the quiet of space where they could start working their way past all the bullshit between them and figure out what they wanted to do for the rest of their wasted lives. 

He looked at Kyra and asked in a low rumble, “Do you remember that favourite game of yours?”

She barely glanced at him as she finished tying her hair back and checked her weapons. “Who’s the better killer?”

Riddick grinned, ignoring the slightly horrified looks of their two remaining companions and cocked an eyebrow in invitation. “Let’s play.”

He turned and scrambled up the rocky face of the cliff, not waiting to see if he was followed and allowed another dangerous smile to cross his face as he heard Kyra’s sharp command to the other two men they had brought out of Slam with them. “Come on!” Damn, but his girl was all grown up. Riddick caught a glimpse of the pussy Necro commander charged with bringing him in as he jumped into the midst of the Necro warriors, but then he was overtaken with the thrill of the kill, of the _hurt_ and his muscles sang with the closest thing he had ever known to joy as he cut and thrust and ghosted his way through the ranks to the ship that would take them away from here. 

He caught glimpses of Kyra, firing her guns and slashing throats with her shiv as he fought and another emotion that he barely recognised rose up in him – pride. She was _magnificent_. Pure fury wrapped in a deceptively slender package and from now on she would be all his. A worthy companion to be by his side as he started the next stage of his life and even as he spilled Necro blood over the ground and felt the cold wash of it over his skin he promised himself that she would never doubt his commitment to her again. Never have to sell herself out to mercs again, never have to know what it was to be slaved out again…never, never, never. 

He swung his arms to the rhythm of his chant and sacrificed the blood of this moment’s enemies to his promise. Never, never, never. Never Jack, never Kyra, never _again_.

The sounds of battle raged and the moments seemed to stretch into eternity as they fought. Cries and screams from the dying and the wounded, yells of pure fury from Kyra, but Riddick fought silently, intent on hacking his way through the canon fodder to reach his real prize…the soon to be ghosted Lord Vaako. 

So when the light exploded overhead and the roar of displaced air sounded, he at first thought that they had miscalculated, that somehow they had missed the approach of the deadly sunrise and he had spun in place, desperate suddenly for one more look at Kyra as he burned from the inside out…but nothing happened. The kiss of scorching sunlight didn’t touch his vulnerable skin, instead in the sudden hush a lone male voice was heard. “Oh yeah, now this is more like it!”

Necros and the two surviving convicts from Slam alike stared at the two figures that had suddenly appeared in the midst of their battle and Riddick narrowed his eyes as he realised that he was seeing two young kids, not that much older than his seventeen year old Kyra. 

The slightly smaller of the two, a slender young girl with annoyed blue eyes and long brunette hair, placed her hands on her hips and totally ignored the people surrounding her to round on her companion and snap, “Dammit, Connor, we were meant to be taking a couple of days off to relax!” She waved one delicate looking hand in the air in exasperation and took a moment to glare accusingly at the Necromongers. “They look like minions to me.” She cut her eyes back to her companion. “Do they look like minions to you? I bet they are. Goddamned minions; and where there’s minions there’s _always_ an evil demon overlord. I hate evil demon overlords, they’re always so smug and cocky.”

Her companion shrugged, unconcerned. “Not after I’ve got through killing them they’re not.” Shrewd blue eyes skipped over the bloody scene in front of him and then narrowed when he caught sight of Kyra and Riddick, the only two people standing that weren’t dressed in the silver and chrome body armour of the Necros. “Hey, buddy, you need a hand here or have you got it under control? Looks like the odds could be evened up a little, you know what I’m saying?”

Riddick wryly reflected that he seemed to be really giving his previously neglected emotions a hell of a work out today. Guilt, pride, lo… _like_ and now surprise and gratitude at the friendly comment of a complete stranger who was offering to fight on his side because apparently he didn’t like the odds he was seeing. He cut a quick look at Lord Vaako and then shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Riddick!” Kyra’s scream saved his life as one of the Necros snatched a chance to fire off a blast from the gun he carried and Riddick felt the burn across the top of his scalp as he threw himself to the floor. “ _Riddick_!”

“I’m okay.” Riddick rolled to his feet and in one fluid move slit the Necro’s throat and shoved him to the floor. “Kyra, make for the ship!”

“Connor, I’m going to kill you!” The angry shout from the young girl that appeared so suddenly echoed around the rocky canyon as the battle restarted, but she was in motion before Riddick had even gotten up off the floor and wound up next to Kyra as the convict fired off more rounds of lethal fire. “Hey, I’m Dawn Summers, you got anything there for me? I’ll take a knife or something, I’m not picky.”

Kyra shot a disbelieving look at her new comrade-in-arms and slapped her own shiv into an expectant hand. “You watch your own ass, the only people I care about here are…FUCK!” She blinked as Dawn took the shiv, spun to plant one dainty foot in the face of an advancing Necro as she kicked the warrior into a nearby rock face and then cold bloodedly rammed the blade of her weapon straight through her victim’s protective body armour and yanked upwards to slit him open from pubic bone to throat.

Dawn pulled her blade free, wiped the spray of blood from her face and winked cheerfully at the speechless Kyra. “Last one to cut off a demon dick is a poophead!”

Kyra blinked again, shot two advancing Necros and muttered somewhat lamely, “What’s a demon?” She frowned as Dawn laughed and somersaulted off to a group of Necros with some serious intent to cause harm. “And what the _fuck_ is a poophead?”

Connor was having a blast and a half. He’d reacted at the same time as Dawn when the battle had picked up again and had quickly found himself fighting seven Necromongers with nothing more than his bare hands and his enhanced physical abilities to aid him as he dodged shots from some pretty cool looking ray gun things. Humming absently under his breath, he ripped the head off an unfortunate Necro -- weird ass helmet and all -- and then used it as a kind of enlarged fist as he spun and slammed it into two more shocked faces. “St-riike!” Without pausing he tossed aside the decapitated head, dropped to his knees and again with nothing more than his bare hands snapped two Necro necks and tore their heads off their shoulders. “Three for three, honey!”

Dawn rolled her eyes at Connor’s happy shout and gutted another Necro before answering, “This is not sand, sea and sex, Connor! I am not feeling mellow and relaxed here.” She grunted as she dived to avoid a shot from a ray gun type thingy and then rolled to her feet to plant the blade of her borrowed weapon in the groin of a less than nimble Necro and slice upwards with a shout of triumph. “Three!”

Connor grinned and shook his head sorrowfully as he snapped the spine of his latest adversary over his knee and tossed aside the body. “Four! Gotta move faster than that, baby.” He vaulted into the air and somersaulted off to catch up with some slightly more intelligent Necromongers that were making a desperate attempt to retreat to higher ground in the face of the sudden upswing in resistance and downright meanness from their opponents. “Hey, possible evil guys, get back here!”

Riddick growled as he shoved aside the last remaining Necro foot soldiers between him and Vaako – barely taking the time to ghost all six of them – and then roared with anger as he saw the halfway dead bastard standing before his ship next to a man who was holding a barely conscious Kyra back against his chest and a wickedly sharp knife to her throat. “VAAKO!”

Lord Vaako smiled coldly. “Another step, Furion, and the girl will die.” He glanced sideways at his companion. “Take her on board the ship and prepare to depart on my order, Commander.” 

Riddick tensed as he felt someone step up beside him, but then relaxed minimally when he realised it was the young male that had arrived out of nowhere to aid him. Connor frowned disapprovingly at Vaako and then glanced at Riddick. “You gonna let him get away with that? He’s got your girl there, buddy.”

Riddick clenched his massive fists and growled at the man dragging the weakly struggling Kyra away from him. “I make a move and they’ll kill her.” He glanced up at the sky and saw his own death in the approaching dawn. “Not seeing a lot of options here.”

Connor frowned at Vaako as he retreated into the ship with a smirk and said, “The kill, kill, kill op…Dawn, NO!” He darted forwards as he saw his incredibly annoyed looking girlfriend shoot him an exasperated look and slipped unseen onto the Necromonger ship just before it closed its doors and began to hum warningly as it prepared for take off. “Dammit!”

Riddick was already moving as the ship began to rise from the ground and grabbed Connor in one meaty fist to dodge under the ship and into the protective shelter of the cave, scant millimetres ahead of the lethal rays of sun at their back. He threw himself across the cave floor and then rolled to his feet just in time to see the Necros make their escape into the sky. “Kyra.” 

Riddick’s forlorn whisper shook Connor out of his stunned state and he scrambled up to stand beside the bald man with the weird goggles on his face and watch as the space ship his girlfriend was being spirited away on swooped off into the sky and then into the galaxy beyond. He swallowed heavily, shook his despairing head and said the only thing he really could under the circumstances, “Man, when we catch up with Dawn she is gonna be _pissed_.”

~*~*~*

Dawn Summers was beyond pissed. In fact, she was so incensed that the first proper vacation she and her lover had managed for three whole years had mutated from sun, sea and sex to their more usual mutilation, killing and decapitation that the first three Necros she killed onboard the ship had only time to see a spitting, cursing blur before they went from sentient beings into so many chunks of tiny, blood spattered meat. 

Feeling marginally better once she wiped bodily fluids and other assorted unpleasantness off her face, Dawn stepped over the bits of bodies at her feet and stomped off in search of the girl that she had followed onto the spaceship with the unspoken intent of making any possible-demon-cum-alien-minions that crossed her path seriously regret it. 

Fifteen minutes later she was considerably more spattered with other people’s blood, had broken three nails and was developing a rather nasty headache from all the screaming and the high-pitched alarm that was now sounding throughout the ship to announce her decidedly unfriendly presence. 

On the upside, however, she had effortlessly attained her goal of making the demons or possible aliens regret ever clapping eyes on her and she was now armed with a rather nifty ray-gun type thingy. 

Hanging a left at the end of a long corridor now littered with bodies behind her, Dawn found herself inside a large room that was obviously the control room of the ship and her mood was not improved by seeing Lord Vaako still clutching Kyra to him like a human shield and over his shoulder a lot of stars moving extremely fast through a large view screen.

Dawn’s eyebrows snapped together in irritation and she shot one optimistic Necro in the head with her stolen gun as he attempted to sneak up on her and then snapped at Vaako, “Turn this thing around right now and I swear I’ll only kill you the once.”

Despite her worrying predicament, Kyra found herself grinning at the bloodstained Dawn. “Good to see you again.”

Dawn curled her lip and tossed a lock of lank, blood soaked hair out of her eyes as she shot another terminally hopeful Necro into oblivion. “Yeah, well we could have had the whole getting-to-know-you-session on the ground but someone went and got their skinny butt taken hostage and now we’re stuck on this second rate Death Star and my boyfriend is god knows how many miles away probably still trying to work out how to get off the rock we left him on and, meanwhile, my getting naked and sandy time is getting shorter by the _minute_.” She moved her attention back to Vaako and spat warningly, “I’m not gonna tell you again, Darth Vader, drop the girl and turn this bucket of bolts around.”

Vaako stared in disbelief at the bloodstained, unbelievably disrespectful girl that was challenging him and hissed the one word that might make sense of his current situation, “Furion.”

Dawn blinked in confusion, checked over her shoulder just in case he was talking about someone sneaking up behind her and then glared in suspicious annoyance. “Is that a curse word?” She stabbed a finger in warning towards Vaako and said with dreadful certainty, “If you’re calling me names and ruining my vacation then I am seriously gonna kick your skanky ass, ‘K?” She caught a movement from the corner of her eye and blasted another Necro into oblivion. “And you so need to do an upgrade on your minions there, I don’t think they’re trying at all anymore.”

Vaako stared at the smoking bodies littering the floor of his bridge, stared at Dawn’s mightily irritated expression and then tightened his grip around Kyra’s throat making her gasp in pain. “Another step and I will kill her.”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Do I look like I care? Seriously?” 

“Hey!” Kyra wheezed painfully through her constricted throat. “Give me a break here.”

Dawn narrowed her eyes disapprovingly. “Make your own breaks. Do you see me hanging around waiting for other people to rescue me? No.” She folded her arms over chest and dangled her gun from her pinky finger. “Because unlike some people I could mention, I’m capable of cleaning up my own messes and saving my own ass. Wuss.”

Kyra narrowed her own eyes back at Dawn and tensed in Vaako’s grip. “You little…” She twisted, threw herself forward into the hold Vaako had on her and then almost simultaneously relaxed her body and dropped smoothly to the floor to allow Dawn to fire right between Vaako’s baffled eyes. Kyra picked herself up as the Necro’s body thunked to the floor behind her and nodded to Dawn as one marginally psychopathic killer to another. “Nice shot.”

Dawn shrugged and sauntered forwards to peer with interest at the fascinating array of lights on the bridge control panel. “Nuthin’ to it. So,” She poked at a particularly alluring big red button. “You know how to fly this thing?”

~*~*~*

When Riddick and Connor finally caught up with their missing girls they were expecting a lot of things – death, mayhem and destruction was almost a certainty given the nature of the two women they were tracking – but the very last thing that their rather feverish imaginations had come up with was the alarming sight of Kyra and Dawn taking on what appeared to be the head honcho for the Necromongers in the middle of their gathering hall and laughing and joking happily as they mercilessly ridiculed him in front of all his troops and assorted prisoners of war.  
And Dawn kept trying to give him a wedgie.

Connor sighed heavily and tipped back the Necromonger helmet that he was currently disguised under to stare in morbid resignation at his cackling girlfriend as the disconcerted looking Big Bad yelped and phased himself to the other side of the room to escape her grabbing fingers. “Not _again_.”

Riddick pushed back his own helmet and stared in bewilderment as Kyra vaulted happily onto a huge statue to snap off some kind of sharp spear and send it winging down into the amassed crowd before fishing in the pocket of the long leather robe she had found from somewhere and following through with what looked like a water balloon at her now decidedly rattled opponent. There was a sharp splashing sound and the Lord Marshall of all the Necromongers was left standing somewhat stunned and quite a bit damper in the middle of the floor. “What the fuck are they doin’?”

Connor pressed a weary hand to his eyes as he listened to Dawn make disparaging remarks about the soggy alien’s dress sense and his dubious parental origins and muttered, “Could she not wait to be rescued just once? Is that really so much to ask?” He lowered his hand slightly and watched gloomily as the girls whooped and double teamed their opponent in a pincer movement that left the poor schmuck trying to phase himself out of their way in two different directions before he shimmered back into solidity in a mournful heap with his trousers around his ankles as Dawn successfully managed to de-pants him. “Oh hell.” Connor re-covered his eyes and shook his head as his girlfriend performed a celebratory back-flip and crowed with spiteful triumph while Kyra yelled with amusement and decapitated a slow moving Necro foot soldier in her own little celebration. “I am so sorry about this.”

Riddick blinked in stunned amazement as Dawn chortled merrily and delivered a swift kick to the uncovered white rump of her collapsed adversary. “Is she always like this?”

Connor nodded without uncovering his eyes and winced as a particularly choice insult rang through the mostly silent hall. “Yeah, I’m afraid so.” He peeped through his fingers just in time to see Dawn and Kyra take a victory lap of the hall while they waited for the guy on the floor to get his legs under him and yank his pants back into place. “You learn to love her.”

Riddick stared at Kyra’s bright, laughing face as she ran victoriously at Dawn’s side past the Necros and their assorted companions and a slow grin spread across his usually impassive face. “She keeps makin’ Kyra smile like that and I could learn to fuckin’ worship her.” He clapped a hand on Connor’s drooping shoulders and stepped forward. “Let’s go get our girls.”

Kyra was the first one to notice that their back up had arrived when she caught the gleam on Riddick’s baldhead when he pulled off his helmet and tossed it aside and she waved gleefully across the room. “Riddick! Hey, Riddick, over here!”

Dawn’s head snapped around and her eyes narrowed as she focused on Kyra’s missing friend and then on the smaller, infinitely pissier figure at his side. “Connor!” With a joyful yodel, Dawn switched directions and headed straight for her boyfriend, unconcerned by the massed ranks of the enemy surrounding them and the now completely clothed fellow who was starting to show signs of wanting to start round two of their altercation. “Hey, Con, guess what I’m doing?” Flushed with adrenaline and a light sweat, Dawn had never looked prettier as she bounced across to her boyfriend’s side. “I’m, like, only totally taking over an evil alien empire here, they’ve got this you-keep-what-you-kill thing going on for them! How cool is that?”

Connor cut appraising eyes from side to side and took note of the less than impressed aliens surrounding them. He looked back at Dawn and couldn’t restrain his fond smile at her enthusiastic expression. “Very cool, sweetie.” His eyes widened as he saw the guy she had been fighting loom up over her shoulder, but before he could shout a warning Kyra blindsided the livid looking alien and took it to the floor with a loud yell. “Uh, baby…”

Dawn held up a hand and spun to aid Kyra. “Two seconds, Connor…” She blinked as the alien guy phased out from under Kyra and sped to the other side of the hall and scowled in annoyance. “Okay, bored now.” She patted absently at her pants pockets. “Where did I put it?”

Riddick nudged Connor in unmitigated fascination. “Where did she put what?”

“Hah, got it!” Dawn forestalled Connor’s reply and waved a clenched fist over her hand triumphantly. “Hey, evil-not-quite-dead, prepare to meet your possible doom! Con, start planning on where we’re putting my mom’s ficus!”

Riddick frowned. “ _Possible_ doom?”

Connor clapped a hand over his eyes again and moaned miserably, “Oh no, Dawn, don’t do it, sweetie. Your sister is not gonna be happy if we show up with a boatload of aliens from our vacaction, she won’t even let you have a kitten.” He peeked through his fingers. “Dawnie?”

Dawn threw Connor a wicked grin, pulled back her arm and then let fly with what looked like a glass marble. Time seemed to stretch out to impossible lengths as the tiny shiny sphere spun through the air and then it hit Dawn’s intended target and…

Kyra blinked against the sudden shock of light and her nose twitched as an unfamiliar smell registered. She looked at the space that had previously been occupied by a megalomaniac alien and then sauntered forwards to poke a curious foot at the pink writhing pile of _something_ that stood four feet high and six feet across. She bent closer and then took another cautious sniff. “Fish?” She looked over shoulder at Dawn, who appeared to be engaged in eyeing the walls speculatively and mentally measuring up for curtains. “Is this fish?”

“Yuh-huh.” Completely ignoring the rest of the room, Dawn ran a finger along the wall and inspected the tip with a piercing gaze. “Shrimp actually. Jeez, don’t you people ever dust?” The piercing gaze swept severely over the representatives of her new alien empire. “That’s the first thing that’s gonna change around here. No one gets to invade _anything_ until you’ve all put in some serious time with a mop and bucket, are we clear?” The gaze sharpened as she took in the slack jawed and stunned expressions all around her. “And I’m not seeing any bowing and scraping here, people. Knees to the floor and let’s see some grovelling, guys. There’s plenty more fish where that came from, okay?”

Connor looked up as the dull echo of a thousand knees hitting a metal floor sounded and then he had an armful of extremely over-excited girlfriend who seemed intent on reacquainting herself with his tonsils as soon as humanly possible. “Dawn…mmpfph!” He surrendered to her kiss for a moment and then pulled back and fixed her with a severe look. “Sweetie, what have you done?”

Dawn boosted herself off the floor and wrapped her legs around Connor’s waist as behind her Riddick and Kyra enjoyed their own slightly more stilted reunion. She grinned into Connor’s grim face and bounced joyfully. “I’m my own evil demon overlord! Well, _alien_ overlord, but still, don’t you think this is way cool?” She planted another lusty kiss on Connor’s slack mouth and squeezed his neck in joyous exhilaration. “I take it all back, this is the best vacation ever!”

~*~*~*

The End.


End file.
